How Is Lots Of Male Perfume Now A Thing?
With thanks and apologies to John Oliver for the title inspiration and subject matter, respectively.
Remember long, long ago, when men didn't have to "smell pretty"? Like last year? Well guys, I have to share something with you. The women in your life are too polite to say anything. So I'll be blunt. I trust that your egos aren't as fragile as people sometimes think. Please, pay attention and deal with it. I am about to make you a better person. Better smelling, anyway.
I ran shopping errands today. Since I don't like to drive downtown, I took the bus. Since it was a lovely day today, they had the windows open. Nevertheless, when I got on the bus I noticed a terrible, stinkeriferous stench. Thinking it was a woman wearing too much perfume, I chose an area of mostly guys and sat down. Well, as it turned out, that awful odor was emanating from the closest guy. So I changed seats to get as far away from him as the bus allowed.
As quickly as possible I disembarked at the grocery store. As I meandered one row, I noticed a similar stench, although no one seemed to be around. As I picked up my pace and approached the end of that row, I crossed paths with a man. Yes, it was him.
But finally, I checked out and decided to walk home this evening. As I did so, I once again noticed something unpleasant in the air. We live in an area surrounded by woods, with small to medium wildlife aplenty, so I thought perhaps a skunk had let loose in the neighborhood. Nope. As I walked up the hill, descending were a young man and his woman friend. It was him. Lord have mercy, I'm surrounded.
Yes, we've all seen the ads. A studly man apparently wearing only a towel sprays his entire body with some stinkeriferous sludge, after which one of the most beautiful women in the world snorts up his stench and sighs with an ecstatic moan, "Mmm...."
Guys, you've been had. They are ACTing. Either they have noseplugs in so that their eyes won't water and they won't cough and sneeze, or they're spraying water. This is one of the most misleading ads I have ever seen that is not a political commercial. These companies should be ashamed. If they actually charge you quite a bit of money, well then, they should be more ashamed. Because it sure doesn't smell like it.
How can I describe this stinkeriferous stench? Of course as already noted, it's on a par with skunk, but let's see if I can give you a better picture. Well, you know those supposedly pine cleaners? The relationship of those cleaners with an actual pine tree is probably about as close as my relationship with an amoeba. Possibly not even as close. You know that ad where the supposedly-pine cleaner is used in the hospital and the comatose patient wakes up? I've actually worked in hospitals. None of them have used pine cleaners, relationship to pine real or imagined. Probably because it would not awaken comatose patients. It would put recovering patients into comas. That, or the hospital would have to have a lot more respirators on hand. That stench is nauseating.
Male perfumes smell like awful imitations of pine cleaners.
Seriously, according to the Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America, 60 million (one in five) Americans now have asthma and/or allergies, with a slightly higher prevalence in children and the incidence increasing over the years. So guys, you're not affecting just a few of us.
Gentlemen. I know you want to smell nice for the ladies. Here's how: First of all, shower, shampoo, deodorize with unscented products. Your natural scent will attract the ladies. Of course, some of you guys want to smell nice for other guys. I can't speak to that issue. But for us, there is an all-natural musky male scent that can drive us wild. You don't need anything else.
Or if you just must, then please take it very, very, very easy. Guys, on average a woman's olfactory sensitivity is much stronger than a man's (see, for example, this article). You're using WAY too heavy of a hand. If you must, use a tiny, tiny, tiny amount. Think half of the tip of your pinky finger. If you have big pinkies, think half again. If you wonder if you're using just the right amount, too little or too much, you're using too much.
If you are convinced that your lady friend really loves your perfume and isn't just too polite to complain, then talk to her about this issue. When you're alone together, use all the perfume you want. But keep in mind that some women like to wear perfume themselves. You don't want to clash. And please wash it off before going out.
Women, while I'm on the subject, you don't need to "smell pretty" either.
Company who bought Febreze, my trash bags or cleaning cloths or array of household products do not need to "smell pretty" either. You're not advertising your new acquisition, you're annoying me and endangering the lives of children. If I want scent in my home, I'll buy an expensive organic scented candle or infuser. Nobody wants layers of cheap stinkeriferous stench all over the house. But I digress.
All right guys, thank you for "listening". Go forth and offend noses no more. Women will thank you, and small children will no longer flop to the ground after your passage.
Also published at Daily Kos.